Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
