I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
i now understand why vodka
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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