I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
