you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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