I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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