you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I think your dad took our porno
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
