I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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