my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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