Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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