mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize