I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
