he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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