he wants to bone in the snuggie
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
