i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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