i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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