A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
