my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize