so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
