This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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