My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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