you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
