god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I could make wine with my vomit
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
