Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
