So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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