Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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