one word: firstdatebathroomanal
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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