I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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