it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
