I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
