ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
