No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
