I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
