who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
