would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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