Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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