Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
