weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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