My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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