Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
