im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
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