I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
