I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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