Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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