peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
