you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
