Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
