I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
