he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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