did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
