i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The Olympian is in my bed
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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