after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
