You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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