my vag is so smooth its legendary
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize