He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I have fence marks all over my body
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
