i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
