Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
