i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
