normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize