Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
