my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
