I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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